Can We Try That?
by Hoverboard33219
Summary: What if Evan and Connor actually took the time to get to know each other? TW: Attempted suicide, mentions of suicide, drugs, language
1. Chapter 1

Evan Hansen's alarm rang.

The seventeen-year-old was already up, but he still moaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes. He put on a decent shirt and jeans, with a sharpie in his pocket, and headed off to school.

Heidi, his mom, called him on the bus just to make sure he was there. Evan spent the rest of the bus ride thinking about Zoe Murphy. He loved her. But he'd never even talked to her.

 _Shut up, Evan_ , he thought furiously. Zoe would never like him. That was a fact.

At school, everyone parted in the halls for someone Evan had grown to avoid: Connor Murphy. Zoe's older brother. The only person who didn't pretend to be busy was Jared Kleinman, Evan's _family friend_.

"Hey, Connor," Jared said, struggling to keep a straight face. "I'm loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic."

Connor whipped around to face Jared.

"I was joking," Jared said anxiously once he saw the look on Connor's face.

"Yeah, no, it was funny," Connor said in a monotone. "I'm laughing. Can't you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?"

Jared laughed nervously. "You're such a freak," he sneered.

Evan laughed too, but quietly, because he was uncomfortable.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" Connor shouted.

"What?" Evan asked dumbly.

"Stop fucking laughing at me," he demanded.

"I'm not," Evan said defensively.

"You think I'm a freak?"

"No," Evan stammered anxiously.

"You're the fucking freak." With that, Connor shoved Evan to the ground.

The push was harder than Connor had realized and Evan hit the ground with a thud. His cast-arm hit the ground painfully and Evan moaned.

Before Evan knew it, Zoe Murphy was leaning over him, offering him a hand up.

"I'm so sorry about my brother," she said. "He's a psychopath. Evan, right?"

"What?"

"Is your name Evan?"

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"I don't know." Evan grinned stupidly.

At the computer lab, Evan snatched some time alone to write his letter for Dr. Sherman.

 _Dear Evan Hansen:_

 _It turns out, this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because…why would it be?_

 _Oh. I know. Because there's Zoe. Who I don't even know and who doesn't know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe…maybe nothing would be different at all._

 _I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of…something. I wish that anything I said…mattered, to anyone. I mean, face it: would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?_

 _Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,_

 _Me._

Evan flinched as Connor Murphy's footsteps echoed behind him.

"Hey," Connor said. "Evan Hansen, right? Sorry about earlier. Can I sign your cast?"

"Sure," Evan sighed, and handed Connor his sharpie.

 _CONNOR_. Now a whole side of Evan's cast was written on.

"I found this letter in the printer. Dear Evan Hansen. You, right?"

"Yeah," Evan said.

"Wait. _Because there's Zoe_. Is this about my _sister_?"

"No," Evan stuttered. "No, it's a therapy assignment."

But Connor shoved him again. "You freak. You wrote this so I would freak out, and you can tell everyone I'm _crazy_ , right?"

Evan didn't know what to say. "I don't think you're crazy," Evan said quietly.

Connor shot him a questioning look, then kept reading. And reading. Evan was just about ready to snatch it from him when Connor sighed.

"You're a survivor too," he said slowly.

"W-what makes y-you say th-that?" Evan stuttered.

"The letter. It's basically a suicide note to yourself," Connor noted.

"I-I guess," Evan said.

The lunch bell rang loudly. For some reason, Evan felt strangely at ease.

"Do you want to sit with me?" Connor asked.

"O-of course!" Evan said enthusiastically.

Connor didn't know why he had asked, or why Evan had agreed. But Connor knew what Evan was going through, he had tried to kill himself once as well. So if he could save Evan—if he could provide a _good_ reason for Evan to keep himself alive—maybe it would all be worth it.

"Hey, Evan," Connor said, as he sat down. "Sorry about earlier, again. I promise I'm not a school shooter or a psychopath like everyone says I am."

"I-I believe you," Evan said.

"Really?" Connor asked.

"Yeah," Evan said. "I hate it when people just assume things about. Um. Other people."

The boys _actually_ had a decent time at lunch. After lunch, Connor nodded his head towards the exit. "I'll see you later, Evan."

"Where are you going?" Evan asked, with genuine curiosity.

"The woods," Connor answered. "You don't want to come with me, though, honestly."

"What will you do there?" Evan already knew the answer, and dreaded it, but he couldn't stop himself asking.

"Smoke," Connor said, shrugging. "You can come with if you want, but you're too pretty to smoke."

"H-how do you know?" Evan asked ridiculously.

"I said. You're too pretty to smoke, Hansen. You've probably never touched a cigarette in your life."

It was true.

"Anyway, Hansen, I'll catch you later, all right?"

 _All right_ , Evan thought, but Connor was already gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Connor Murphy set his bag down on the hook. His house was big, but felt empty. In Connor's room there were heavy metal posters, rock albums, and pretty much a teenage boy's dream of a bedroom, with plenty of spaces to hide things.

It had been a stressful day, and Connor just wanted to get his weed and smoke some shit that was probably terrible for him. At least he didn't smoke _crack_.

But where his stash of marijuana was supposed to be kept, instead of a bunch of weed was a note.

 _Flushed your stash again. You should feel lucky I didn't call the cops or show mom and dad EVERYTHING. You're still in so much trouble though. Wait till they hear about Evan Hansen and what you did to him. —Zoe_

Connor screamed. Zoe was so unfair. It wasn't his fault, none of it. He hadn't hurt Evan—okay, maybe the shove was hard, but Evan forgave him—and not to mention he was mad about his pot. Zoe was such a bitch sometimes.

"Zoe!" Connor yelled. "Zoe, what the fuck?"

Zoe opened the door, laughing. "Connor, you think you _don't_ deserve it? You shoved Evan. There was a dent in his cast, you could have made his arm a million times worse. And now you're sitting at lunch with him and your name is covering up his cast? That's the one thing I don't understand. Why isn't he killing you?"

" _Bitch_ ," Connor snarled. "It's not _any_ of your _fucking_ business what I smoke. And Evan Hansen isn't any of your fucking business either, so go fuck yourself."

"Wow, that's nice," Zoe said, rolling her eyes sarcastically. "Mom and Dad are going to kill you for what you did to Evan, especially since he has severe social anxiety or something."

Connor couldn't help laughing as he remembered Evan's note. What the _hell_ did Evan see in Zoe? What if Zoe knew Evan liked her? What if Zoe believed him about _anything_?

This startled Zoe. "What? Why are you laughing?"

"Just something Evan said," Connor said, tipping his head vaguely.

"Mom and Dad are still gonna kill you," Zoe stammered. "Fuck off, Connor." 

Evan had dinner by himself that night. He ate quietly and then grabbed his phone to text Connor, which he got from the school's directory. A while ago he had thought about texting Zoe Murphy out of the blue, but he had gotten over that.

 _Hey_ , Evan texted.

 _Evan?_ Connor texted back. _Is that you?_

 _Yeah_ , Evan admitted. _You doing okay? Is it creepy that I'm texting you without you having given me your number?_

 _Nah. Loosen up a bit, ok, Hansen?_

 _What's wrong?_

 _What makes you think anything is?_ Connor asked.

 _I don't know. You seem upset._

 _It's Zoe. She flushed my weed and is getting me in trouble for hurting you._

 _You didn't hurt me much. I understand. It's fine, man_ , Evan texted in attempt to make Connor feel better.

 _I wish you were here._

Evan flushed bright red and felt glad Connor couldn't see it. _The boy is hot_ , Evan thought. _But. I like Zoe, right? Right?_

Evan finally worked up the nerve to text back. _I'll come over for dinner tomorrow if you want_ , Evan offered. As soon as he pressed send he regretted it. They had talked _once_. He was taking this _way_ too far.

But Connor responded nonetheless. _That would be great_ , Connor texted. _Is your mom OK with that?_

 _Are you kidding? She'll just be thankful I have a friend._

 _So we're friends now, are we Hansen?_ Connor texted. It made Evan feel really bad until Connor texted again. _I'm joking. Of course we are._

 _Cool_ , Evan said and instantly regretted it again.

 _Tomorrow?_

 _Sure._

Evan powered off his phone and thought guiltily about Connor. He never thought he was gay before, but that was BC. Before Connor.


	3. Chapter 3

Connor ate dinner with the rest of his family that night. Between eating he would stare at Zoe, daring her to say anything.

Finally Zoe broke the silence. "Connor beat up this kid today."

"What?" Cynthia Murphy, their mother, gasped.

"Yeah," Zoe said. "The kid didn't do anything to him, he just shoved him to the ground. His name was Evan Hansen. He already had a broken arm. _And_ he has severe social anxiety."

"That's _terrible_ , Connor!" Cynthia looked _incredibly_ upset.

"Yeah," Zoe agreed. "What is wrong with you, Connor?"

Connor shoved his chair backwards. "See you freaks later. And by the way, Zoe, _you'd_ know about hurting Evan Hansen." And with a wink, Connor locked himself in his room.

Zoe was standing by his locker as he got to school. Connor's locker was only four away from Evan's, and Connor got to school first.

"What the _fuck_ was that last night?" Zoe growled at Connor. "I had a proper fucking interrogation until I managed to convince them you were just angry."

Connor laughed. "Yeah, well it serves you right. Now fuck off, Zoe."

Connor headed to class, but Zoe stayed to wait for Evan. When he finally came, he stopped in his tracks as he saw Zoe.

"Hi, Zoe," Evan began.

"Evan, I just want to say I'm sorry again about yesterday. And I heard people talking about Connor today, and I heard someone say _Well, at least it's Evan Hansen and not someone who actually matters_ and I'm like _What? Huh?_ And they're like _Oh yeah, Connor and Evan. Go ask him_ and so here I am. I've been trying to get my brother not to hurt you—"

Evan laughed out loud, although he was more than a little drained by Zoe's recollection of the conversation. "Connor? No, he's my-my _friend_."

"I didn't think Connor had any friends. Or that _you_ had any friends."

It stung, but Evan had expected nothing less. "Later, Zoe."

Connor and Evan sat together at lunch again. They heard some snickers of _Queers_ and _So gay_ but ignored them.

"Are you still gonna come over for dinner tonight?" Connor asked.

"Yeah," Evan said. "My mom was really happy about it."

"That's good. Makes things easier," Connor shrugged. "So. You heard the rumors, right?"

"That we're gay?"

"Yeah."

"I mean, I don't really care. At least they know who I am. Are you gay?"

Connor looked uncomfortable for a moment. "Yeah. I-I just never liked girls."

"I don't care, like I said. I don't know if I'm gay. I might be. I might be bi. Can I have some time to think?"

"Of course," Connor said, breaking into a huge smile. The smile looked good on him, Evan decided.

The Murphy family's car was a flashy new SUV Audi, and they had room for Evan. Cynthia Murphy drove, and Zoe sat in the front seat.

"No offence, Evan, but why are you here?" Zoe asked. "We all know Connor's a dick to you."

"He's not," Evan said defensively. "He just asked me to come over for dinner. And he's my friend."

Cynthia beamed. "That's wonderful, honey! You have a _friend_!"

Connor grunted. "Can everyone stop acting so surprised?"

"Sure. Fine."

Dinner was exhausting. Zoe was interrogating Evan about why he was Connor's friend, whether Connor was forcing him or something, Larry was grunting and shrugging to Cynthia's barrage of questions and complaints, and Connor sat very still on the edge of his seat, prompting Zoe to suggest he was high, and Connor to have to have Evan confirm that he'd been with him all day and that Connor hadn't gotten high, but eventually it was over.

After dinner Connor and Evan went up to Connor's room.

"Evan. Thank you." Connor hugged Evan. "Thank you so freaking much."

"For what?" Evan asked incredulously. "Dude, that was _awesome_."

"No, it wasn't," Connor laughed. "It's OK, you can say it, you can say you hated it."

"I hated it," Evan admitted.

Connor flopped down on his bed. "Listen, Evan, I've never felt this way about someone before. Have you put anymore thought into…"

"Yeah." Evan hesitated. "Connor, I'm gay."

"Evan, I'm gay too," Connor said, both boys trying to keep a straight face. They failed.

"Really?" Connor giggled.

"Yeah," Evan smirked. Then Evan, the anxious kid who never knew the right moments, had a sudden urge to kiss Connor. But Connor read his mind.

"You want to know if this is the right moment for us to kiss," Connor said, voice unwavering and deadly calm.

"Yes," Evan whispered.

Connor smiled. "It is."

Connor reached for Evan's shirt and they began to kiss. About thirty seconds later Zoe burst into the door, seemingly hoping to catch Connor hurting Evan or taking his drugs. What she saw was even more terrifying.

"Connor!" Zoe said. There was no word to expressed her confused, surprised, excited expression. "Connor, are you _gay_?"

"Will it make you shut up if I say yes?" Connor asked irritably. It was a completely different Connor than Evan had just kissed, but he understood Connor had to keep his tough persona up.

"Maybe."

"Well, Sherlock, yes. I'm gay. So fuck off," Connor said.

Zoe raised her eyebrows and laughed. "I was hoping to catch you taking your drugs, but this is _priceless_. What are Mom and Dad going to say if they find out?"

"They won't," Connor said, deadly calm. "And if they do, you'll be sorry." Then Connor's tone changed. "If you won't keep it a secret for me, do it for Evan."

"What makes you think I'll do anything for Evan?" Zoe asked incredulously.

"You seemed _very_ concerned about him last night."

"Fine. I'll keep it secret for now, but _don't_ make me angry or _you'll_ be sorry."

With that, the door slammed.


	4. Chapter 4

**OK guys, I promise this is the last episode where Zoe will be a bitch. I love Zoe! I promise! I also love Laura Dreyfuss! So Zoe will be nicer after this.**

Evan's mind was buzzing as he walked home. He had _kissed_ Connor Murphy! Two days before he hadn't had any friends. Now he had a boyfriend.

What was he going to tell Heidi?

The next morning at breakfast, Zoe gave Connor an evil grin. Connor's stomach vaulted into his mouth when he realized Zoe could do whatever she wanted. She could make _Connor_ do whatever she wanted.

The Audi was a several years old, but it was shining and new. Connor would never forget the day when they got it.

 __ _Connor Murphy fidgeted uncomfortably in his chair. It was unbelievably boring watching his parents talk about the exact right car they wanted. Family safe, all that. The eleven-year-old pressed his face against the glass and watched a navy-blue Audi. It was sleek, probably a convertible as it didn't have a roof._

 _Zoe stood next to Connor. "What's so interesting?" she asked. Connor found his little sister annoying, but he liked the Audi so he grabbed her wrist and dragged her outside. "Hey!" Zoe protested. Connor ignored her and showed her the brand-new shining car._

 _Zoe broke into a huge smile. "That_ is _a nice car," Zoe decided. "I like it."_

 _"_ _What's your allowance right now?" Connor asked, attempting subtlety._

 _"_ _More than yours," Zoe laughed. "But nowhere near one hundred and seventy-seven thousand dollars," she said, reading the price tag._

 _Finally Larry walked over and saw what they were doing. "You kids like that car?"_

 _"_ _Yes!" they said in unison._

 _"_ _I like it too," Larry said. "Let me go talk to your mother."_

 __And about four or five years after that day the Audi had finally arrived in their garage. They had named it "The Murphy Mobile" or "Murf" for short.

It was a sleek blue Audi R8 Spyder. Murf was priceless to the kids, and after some time Cynthia had relented. Connor wondered if Evan liked it.

Evan came over for dinner again that day. Zoe was giving Connor an evil smile. Evan fidgeted uncomfortably.

"All right, spill it," Cynthia Murphy finally said. "Zoe, you haven't picked at your brother at all, and none of you are saying anything. What's happening?"

Evan didn't think Zoe would tell Larry and Cynthia, but he couldn't be sure and he saw Connor's face pale. Evan mimicked him without realizing it.

"Zoe, please," Evan begged. Connor shot him a look and Evan realized he was just making everything worse.

Zoe's evil smirk grew as Evan groveled.

But Connor started signing rapidly to Zoe. Evan didn't understand what it meant, but Zoe's expression shifted. For a moment it was almost sympathetic. Zoe turned to Cynthia. "Connor told me that he wants to try to stop smoking. So I'm giving him a break for once."

Cynthia's smile could melt the Arctic before climate change got around to it. "Connor, that's _wonderful_! Evan must be a really good influence. Whatever you did, Evan, thank you. _Thank_ you."

Evan felt a bit guilty because he really hadn't done anything. He glanced at his plate and stood up. "I think I'm done, if that's ok. I'll be in Connor's room."

Connor and Zoe waited a minute before going up to Connor's room as well. Evan seemed to be trying to calm himself.

"What were you doing?" Evan asked.

Zoe glanced at Connor, who looked embarrassed. "We made up a code when we were younger," he admitted sheepishly. "Based off sign language, but we were worried our mom knew sign language, so we made it our own. I just told her a few things. Gave her a few reasons to keep her mouth shut."

"OK," Evan nodded. "I think we all have questions for each other. We'll go around and ask and answer. Zoe, you can go first."

Zoe half smiled. "What the hell happened with you guys yesterday? Evan? You're really _gay_?"

Evan pursed his lips. "Yeah."

Zoe looked a bit confused. "OK."

Connor stood up. "Later, guys. I'm going out for a smoke. Anyone want to join me?"


	5. Chapter 5

Evan Hansen sat at his computer, frowning deeply.

 _Just breathe, Evan, it'll come to you_ , he thought. _Just like it always does. You'll fudge up a letter about how much better you're doing. Mom and Dr. Sherman will eat it up and Mom will eventually stop taking you to Dr. Sherman which is sort of a win-win, you know, because Mom will stop having to pay Dr. Sherman so much and you won't have to write anymore goddamn letters to yourself!_

Evan took a deep breath. He knew he was fucked up, but Heidi had to pay Dr. Sherman so much, and Dr. Sherman was a nuisance. Evan would be glad to see the back of her.

 _Dear Evan Hansen:_

 _Today is going to be a good day and here's why. Because today, there's Connor. Your boyfriend._

Evan deleted that bit.

 _Because today, there's Connor. Your friend. Who will stick by you no matter what, no matter how screwed up you are._

Evan frowned.

 _No matter how screwed up you used to be_.

Evan smiled.

 _Connor is your friend not because of who you were, but because of who you are and are going to be._

Evan knew this wasn't true and went back.

 _Connor is your friend and nothing will change that. Zoe is actually worried about you, which means she cares. Even if you won't take her advice, it's nice to know she notices you exist. And cares enough about you to give you advice._

Evan breathed deeply. He hated writing letters to himself, but if it looked like he was getting better, then his mom wouldn't have to worry about paying Dr. Sherman the insane amounts of money she required.

 _Stupid Dr. Sherman_ , Evan thought furiously. His mom constantly had to stress about Sherman, about how to make all that money, and if Evan could just scream in silence, and fall in a forest alone instead of in front of his mom, then everything would be OK.

…

"Hey, Connor," Evan said, smiling brightly.

"Evan," Connor nodded. Evan felt disappointed until Connor raised his eyebrows.

"Evan, can your mom read your emails?" Connor asked bluntly.

"Yes," Evan admitted, ashamed. "She put in all of these parent control stuff so she can track my every move."

"Make another account. A secret account," Connor suggested. "That's what I just did. connor.m ."

"I'll do evan.h ," Evan offered.

"Cool," Connor nodded.

…

Evan realized he could now write letters that _weren't_ for Dr. Sherman to see. He didn't know why he _wanted_ to, he hated writing letters to himself. But sometimes it really did make him feel a bit better.

 _Dear Evan Hansen:_

 _Today is going to be a good day and here's why. Because today, you have Connor. Connor, your boyfriend, who likes you for you. So you're you, and Connor's Connor, and that's enough._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Your second-best friend,_

 _Me._

Evan frowned briefly as he thought of Jared Kleinman. Jared was a dick sometimes, but Jared stuck by him when it counted and he'd helped Jared through his father's drug abuse, and his parents' divorce, and Jared's own abuse at the hands of his father.

 _Sincerely,_

 _Your third-best friend,_

 _Me._

Evan smiled.

…

A text from Connor came in at about six thirty.

 **Connor.** Hey Evan, can you confirm that I didn't get high today?

 **Evan.** Sure. Connor didn't get high today.

 **Connor.** Thanks. Zoe's having a hard time tearing this argument apart ?

 **Evan.** No problem. Wait, I thought Zoe said you were going to quit smoking.

 **Connor.** Yeah, but I'm anxious right now and so she thinks that I started again.

 **Evan.** Are you actually quitting?

 **Connor.** I'm trying, but it's really fucking hard.

After a moment, Evan texted:

 **Evan.** Want me to come over tomorrow?

A couple seconds later, Connor responded.

 **Connor.** I'd love that, yeah.

…

"Hey, Loser Boy!" Jared said, greeting Evan enthusiastically the next day. "Haven't seen much of you around since you started hanging out with Freak Boy Connor Murphy! Have you started smoking? Man, I knew he was a bad influence!"

"I'm not smoking," Evan said defensively. "Just… _anxious_."

"Well, you look pretty fucking high," Jared shrugged. "Just…stop hanging around The Freak, okay?"

"No," Evan replied. "At least he's a better friend than _you_ , Kleinman."

Jared looked wounded. "Yeah?" he sneered. "Well, you can thank The Freak when you're ankle deep in drugs. And you think _Zoe_ likes it when you're leeching onto her big brother?"

"Fuck you!" Evan stormed. "Fuck you, Jared Kleinman! _I_ helped you with your asshole of a dad. _I_ helped you write your statements for staying with your mom. And _you're_ one to talk about drugs!"

Pure hatred shot through Jared's eyes and veins. "I've never done drugs in my life, Hansen, and you know that!"

"Tell that to the court, druggie!" Evan jeered.

Jared pulled back his fist and slammed it into Evan's nose.

Evan jerked back and tasted blood in his mouth. He hit the ground, hard, harder than when Connor had shoved him, and just groaned. Jared waited for him to get back up, but Evan just lay there, gasping.

Jared leaned down and whispered in Evan's ear. "You're a fucked up bastard, Hansen, you know that?"


	6. Chapter 6

Connor Murphy had been furious when he had heard what Jared had done. The only thing that stopped him from killing Jared was that if Zoe found out and got mad she might tell Larry and Cynthia about that Connor needed rehab, which would take him away from Evan, and about how Connor was gay. And Connor _really_ did not want his parents to know he was gay.

It wasn't that he thought that they were super homophobic or something, but Larry might insist he needed therapy or something and Connor did not want more therapy.

 _Shit, shit, shit…_

Connor slammed his door shut and locked it. He heard Cynthia calling for dinner and buried his face in his pillow.

 **Connor.** Evan, are you ok?

 **Connor.** Evan, please.

 **Connor.** I'm so fucking sorry about Jared, Ev, please.

There was a long pause before Connor's phone chimed.

 **Evan.** This is Evan's mom, Heidi.

 **Evan.** Are you Connor?

 **Evan.** Evan's boyfriend?

 **Connor.** Yes.

 **Connor.** Is he okay?

 **Evan.** Jared's punch wasn't bad, but I think Evan is really upset. He knows how much he hurt Jared and Jared was his first ever friend.

There was a gentle rap on Connor's door. Connor _really_ didn't want to open it, but something told him to and so he did. Zoe was standing there. As the door opened, she flinched, as if expecting Connor to hit her, and it made Connor feel really shitty.

"Come in," Connor grunted.

Zoe sat down on Connor's bed. "I heard about Jared and Evan."

"It's not that bad," Connor shrugged. "There's been worse."

"You haven't heard…"

"About what?"

Zoe winced.

"About _what_ , Zoe, about _what_?"

Zoe sighed. "Evan. Um. Evan's not in the hospital because of Jared. Jared's punch wasn't _that_ bad. I guess Heidi didn't want you to find out yet."

"Tell me, Zoe, please."

"Evan tried to kill himself."

Connor bolted upright. "What the fuck?!"

"I didn't want to tell you, I thought you might hit me or something…"

Connor raised his hands, causing Zoe to flinch again before she recognized the sign of surrender. "Zoe, first of all, I feel like complete shit for making you afraid of me, second, I have to go to see Evan!"

Connor ran down the stairs so fast had nearly smacked into Cynthia.

"Where are you going, Connor?"

Connor spoke before he had time to think. "My boyfriend is in the hospital," he said, grabbing his keys.

"Boyfriend? What?" Cynthia looked confused, but Connor was out the door before Cynthia could ask any more questions.

…

Connor arrived at the hospital about half an hour after Zoe visited him. A receptionist took one look at Connor and asked what he was here for.

"My boyfriend Evan Hansen," Connor said without hesitation.

"Um. Okay." The receptionist looked uncomfortable. Connor was angry, at the world, at Evan, at worthless homophobes like that goddamn receptionist, but he kept it to himself.

"Room 12E," the receptionist finally said. "Go in now, but he's in critical condition so you mustn't upset him."

"I wouldn't worry about that," Connor said, voice curt and sharp. He didn't have time for people like her.

The receptionist glared at Connor as he passed, but he didn't look back. He ran all the way to Room 12E, getting lost twice on the way in the maze of hospital rooms, and got two calls from Cynthia and Larry and ignored them both. When he finally arrived in Evan's room, Heidi was holding Evan's hand, and Evan's entire body was quite pale.

"Evan," Connor gasped. "Evan, what the _fuck_ did you do to yourself?"

Heidi turned to see Connor. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Connor, I didn't want you to worry or be upset…"

"I think that ship has _sailed_ , Ms. Hansen," Connor said acidly. "Oh. I'm sorry, I'm just angry."

"I understand," Heidi nodded. "I found him. I'd heard about Jared, I found him pale as a sheet with the pills on the counter, a note in his hand and his nose gushing blood from earlier when Jared punched him."

"A…note?" Connor asked uneasily.

Heidi passed Connor a crumpled piece of paper with hesitation. "Read—read it."

Connor read the scribbled, handwritten note with hesitation himself.

 _Dear Connor Murphy:_

 _I'm sorry. You probably hate me now, hate me for what I did to you and myself. I just want to say that if I live, I don't blame you if you never want to see me again. I don't blame you if you want me to stay away from you forever. Just the fact that you're reading this means the world._

 _I don't really know why I did it. I have you, I have Zoe, I have my mom. But Jared was my oldest friend. I'd stuck by him no matter what, and I'd hurt him so badly, I just didn't want to face him again or have to face what I'd said to him._

 _Jared's father was an alcoholic and drug abuser. He'd beat Jared up on a regular basis, those bruises, the ones he said were from playing sports, his dad had done that._

 _When his parents divorced, Jared's dad accused Jared of taking some of his drugs. Jared couldn't quite prove otherwise, and so all medication he takes is under lock and key. He hates being called a drug user, I called him a druggie. If you see Jared, tell him I'm sorry. Tell him I'm full of shit or something. You know, that's why Jared hates you so much, not because of the school shooter shit or anything but because you take drugs, and drugs leave a bitter taste in Jared's mouth._

 _Tell Zoe and my mom I'm sorry. Tell them I love them all—Zoe not in the way I used to, but as a friend, she's a good friend—and I want you and Zoe and my mom to know it's not your guys' fault, it's me, just me._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Your best and most dearest friend,_

 _Me._

"Me," Connor said aloud. "He wrote his suicide note to…me."

"You _are_ his boyfriend," Heidi pointed out. She had a point, Connor realized.

"I'm so sorry," Connor started pleading to Evan's mother.

"It's not your fault. Not your fault or Zoe's fault," Heidi insisted.

Connor noticed she'd neglected to mention herself, so he felt obligated to stick up for her. "It's not your fault either, Ms. Hansen," he said.

Heidi smiled sadly. "That's nice of you to say."

"It's true," Connor confirmed.

…

 _Two weeks later…_

 __Connor Murphy had stayed at the hospital or at Evan's house for nearly the entire two weeks. He was exhausted, so he'd gone home on Saturday for some sleep, but he'd refused to go until Heidi promised to call him the second anything happened with Evan.

When Connor finally woke up, Cynthia was at the breakfast table waiting for him.

"Me and your father have been talking," Cynthia began. "And we asked Zoe if she knew. She denied it for a bit, then admitted she'd caught you two."

Connor shrugged. Cynthia paused before continuing. "And we want to say that we're sorry. But we wish you'd told us sooner—"

"How?" Connor exploded. "You think I'm high half the time and the other half I'm with Evan!"

"Evan's your boyfriend?" Cynthia clarified.

There was a beat, then Connor nodded.

"I'm sorry," Cynthia sighed. "But. When Zoe was giving you a break, she said you were quitting all that shit you smoked. So. You haven't quit?"

Connor thought about lying, then looked his mother in the eye. "I'm trying."

"Oh?"

"For Zoe. And for Evan."

Just then, Connor got a phone call. He didn't pause to look at the caller ID, just answered.

"Hey," Connor said.

It was Heidi's voice. "Connor."

"Yeah?"

"It's Evan. He's awake."


	7. Chapter 7

Connor had rushed to the hospital like his life depended on it. And who knows, it might have, because Evan Hansen was the one thing he actually liked about this life. If Evan died, if Evan died because of him and Jared and Zoe and Heidi—Connor wasn't sure if he'd be able to keep living.

Zoe and Heidi were in Room 12E already. Evan was slightly less pale, and Connor didn't think Heidi had changed position since he'd left an hour earlier. He should have waited, he should have been there when Evan woke up…

"So Connor's mostly been staying here these past two weeks, or at our house, but his _one_ fucking break you wake up—oh look, he's here." Connor could see Heidi explaining some things to Evan.

"Hey, Evan," Connor said.

"Con," Evan whispered.

"Don't call me 'Con' or 'Con-Con' or anything. I hate pet names," Connor informed Evan.

"Sorry," Evan gasped. "Connor, Connor, I'm so sorry…"

Connor mentally debated what to say. _The kid just nearly died and he's apologizing! But then, he tried to kill himself and he_ knew _people like Zoe and me and Heidi care about him_. "Just never do it again. Never, okay? Never!"

"Okay," Evan promised meekly. "I promise, Connor, I promise. I…I…"

"What?" Connor asked gently.

"Connor," Evan murmured, "I love you."

…

Now that Evan wasn't in critical condition, he was moved to a far less glamorous room. The only wall between Evan and the next patient was a feeble paper divide. So when Evan heard muffled sobs he immediately opened the divide.

The girl sitting on the next bed was a couple years older than Evan, but she was pale and sickly and looked much younger.

"What's wrong?" Evan asked dumbly.

"I—oh god, I—I ruined my life and I—I tried to kill myself, I drank arsenic and…oh god," the girl sobbed. "I just, I guess I never thought I could do something like that to anyone, even myself, and I let everyone down."

"What's your name?"

"Natasha," the girl trembled.

"I'm sorry," Evan said. "Do you know why I'm here? I'm here because _I_ tried to kill myself. I let my best friend down. I called him a druggie and he punched me in the face and broke my nose. I'm Evan, by the way, Evan Hansen."

Natasha seemed overwhelmed and shuddered. "Bye, Evan," she said ending the conversation just like that.

…

Heidi came to pick Evan up two hours later. When he got back to the house, Connor was there waiting for him, as was Jared. The last thing Evan wanted to do was talk to Jared, but he figured he had to face him at some point.

"Hey, Connor," Evan said.

"Wow," Jared interjected. "Connor told me about you two, and I just can't believe _the_ Connor Murphy and _the_ Evan Hansen are gay."

"Fuck off, Kleinman," Connor sighed. "Look, Evan just tried to kill himself because of _you_ , so can you please leave him alone?"

Connor flashed Evan an apologetic smile, but Evan wasn't sure if it was just about Jared or about telling Jared. Either way, Evan forgave him.

Connor had dressed up to see Evan. Evan could see he'd been working out. Connor was in all black, his T-shirt perfectly sculpted to his muscles and very revealing either way. The jeans were tight and Evan couldn't help but rush forward and hug him. That hug turned into a long kiss.

"I missed you so much," Connor murmured.

"I missed you too," Evan said. "And I'm sorry."

"I'm not going to say 'It's okay' because it's not, but I forgive you because you said you'd never do it again."

Evan nodded. "I just felt like I'd let Jared down."

"You did," Jared interrupted. "You didn't tell me you were gay."

Evan winced and Connor took this as a cue. "Fuck _off_ , Kleinman."

Jared shrugged and started walking down the block in the general direction of his house. Connor smirked.

"Evan," Connor said, "I have something to tell you."

"What?" Evan asked.

"Evan Hansen," Connor began. "I love you."

Evan smiled that smile that just made you feel like everything was going to be okay.

"I love you too, Connor Murphy."

 **Okay Guys, I'm sorry for my** ** _Great Comet_** **reference, but I felt like I had to. I hope it didn't make any of you quit or stop reading, I'll delete it if it's that bad. Thank you guys so much for reading up till now, and I promise that I'll write more soon. I'm getting a bit of writer's block, though, so if you have any suggestions just put them in the comments section. Like, if you want me to include more of Heidi, or more of Zoe, just ask. Also, I promise I love Jared I'm so sorry I made him an asshole, just like I'm sorry I made Zoe a bitch in the first few chapters.**

It was Connor's first day back at school. He hadn't gotten leave, so he'd just cut class and his parents hadn't filed a missing persons report.

So it wasn't a big surprise that when Connor walked in, the secretary beckoned him. "You've been absent for ten consecutive days, Murphy. Principal Howard would like to see you."

"No," Connor sneered.

"Yes," the secretary snapped, "or you'll be expelled here and now, Murphy, and we'll request for you to go to a reform school, rehab, or some tough boarding school."

"Fine," Connor gasped. "Can't take a joke, huh, Ms. Secretary?"

"My _name_ is Mrs. Robinson."

"Or Mrs. Howard, seeing as you love him so much," Connor jeered.

"You watch your tone, young man," Mrs. Robinson snapped. "Now you can wait outside like a good boy." Connor knew her implication. She called him a dog or cur all the time and often suggested he be belted like one, but Howard rejected the idea every single time.

As Connor entered the office, he saw Cynthia and Larry there too. Howard stared expectantly at Connor.

"Connor Murphy, I say we just cut to the chase, don't you?" At Connor's nod, Principal Howard continued. "In total this year you've skipped a total of twenty-eight classes and thirteen days of school straight not even counting the fully missed days of classes. So we have no choice now but to expel you."

"Sir," Cynthia reasoned, "Connor's boyfriend Evan was in the hospital because he tried to kill himself. We just thought it would be easiest to—"

"I know, but he didn't have excused absence. So we have no choice. And that's not to mention the fact that he often comes to school under influence of drugs including marijuana, LSD—"

"We know Connor has some—" Cynthia looked at Connor quizzically before finishing the sentence "—issues, or, well, lovable quirks, but that's no reason to—"

"Believe me, _Cynthia_ , if he was anyone's son but yours he'd have been out on his ass years ago," Howard snapped.

Connor's mouth dropped open. What did Principal Howard mean? Was he friends with Cynthia when they were kids?

Connor wasn't the only one who noticed that. Larry fixed his eyes on Howard. "Jordan, would you care to explain what you mean?"

Cynthia and Howard made eye contact before Howard shrugged. "We were best friends when _we_ attended this place," he explained weakly.

Connor knew there was more to this story but didn't pry, as Larry seemed to accept it.

"Where will Connor go instead?" Cynthia asked. "You can't force us to enroll him in a private school, and—"

"I've talked to the board of another school and they've agreed to accept Connor," Howard explained, handing Cynthia a brochure. Her eyes widened and she put a hand over her heart but Larry comforted her.

"It's a good idea," Larry insisted.

It was only then Connor got a flash of the brochure. _Karl Simmons' Military Academy_.


	8. Chapter 8

Connor joined the growing crowd of kids at the gate. There were some armed guards, as if this was juvie. Which Connor supposed it sort of was.

After the headmaster, Karl Simmons, made a speech of some sort about how everything was going to be amazing and great 100% of the time, and how this was for their own good, Connor headed up to his room.

He apparently had two bunkmates. The other boys in his room were already there.

"Hey," Connor said. "I'm Connor, and I'm going through withdrawals of pot so I'll be quite moody!"

One of the other boys shook his hand. "I'm James," he explained. "That's Mack."

James was quite handsome, with fair skin and freshly cut combed gelled hair that was jet black. In many ways he looked the opposite of Connor but for some well-concealed chipped nail polish on his fingers.

Mack was bigger. His head was shaved so there was only a couple millimeters of hair on his head, he had a tattoo of a sword and a shield, and his face was curled into a permanent scowl.

Mack had been there for a year, and he had more duties than the other boys, so he left, leaving James and Connor alone.

"You used to paint your nails," Connor noted.

"Yeah," James admitted. "It's part of the reason my dad sent me here. He said it's too girly."

Connor revealed his nails.

"Nice," James smiled. "Why are you here?"

"I got expelled from my school because I constantly smoked pot and skipped class so I could visit my boyfriend in the hospital."

"I said it was _part_ of the reason," James grinned. "Care to hear what the rest was?"

Connor raised his eyebrows.

"Ok, so it's a long story," James began, "but we have a lot of time so I'm going to tell it anyway.

"My dad's really religious, really old-school kind of 'boys like girls and girls like boys' and 'girls wear pink and boys wear blue' kind of guy. He's really conservative. His great-grandfather, my great-great-grandfather, fought for the Confederacy. He's the kind of guy who believes you can't have sex until you're married and girls can be given away like property. Long story short: he found out my two 'secrets' which weren't really secrets. 1. I paint my nails. Sue me. 2. I'm very, very, very gay."

Connor laughed. "It'll be good to have you here. I. I honestly miss my boyfriend a lot."

"You're gay too?"

Connor rolled his eyes. "No, I have a boyfriend, painted nails, and long hair because I'm the straightest person in the world, didn't you know?"

James laughed out loud. "OK, I guess it was obvious…hey, you say you used to smoke pot?"

Connor nodded and James continued. "Want some beer to dull the pain?"

" _Beer_?"

"I would've brought whiskey, but my dad drinks it all himself."

Connor nodded enthusiastically. "I'd love some."

…

 _Three weeks later…_

The three weeks Connor had spent at the academy had been hell except for James. Their relationship had only grown, and while Connor missed Evan dearly, he also was keen as hell on James. James had opened himself up, and every time he was getting into uniform or pajamas Connor caught himself staring.

 _Don't think about James, Evan is your boyfriend,_ Connor would think furiously. But Connor hadn't seen Evan in three weeks. He had to make the most of his new life here at the academy, right? Right?

One day, when Connor and James were very drunk on James's beer, which was running out, Connor stared at James too long and James noticed.

"You eyeing me up, Murphy?" James asked cheekily, cocking an eyebrow. "I thought you had a boyfriend."

"I do, I do, I just," Connor stammered. James stopped him with a kiss.

Connor's mind was reeling. But none of it around Evan, all of it around James.

James pulled away, staring into Connor's eyes, trying to decide if he'd made the right move. Connor leaned in again and the world swirled around them.

 _Just you and me. It'll be us, it'll be us and only us._

…

 _Two months later…_

Connor was finally home for Christmas break. He hadn't decided what he wanted to do about Evan. He loved James, but Evan might go psycho and try to kill himself again. He thought about it all through the way home, and reentering New York.

Connor knew it wasn't fair to keep carrying on with James and not letting Evan go. He either had to break up with James and tell Evan about everything, or break up with Evan and stay with James.

Connor finally made his decision, texted James, and walked to Evan's house.

Connor rang Evan's doorbell. Evan's grinning face appeared on the other side of the door and he opened it. "Connor!" Evan said enthusiastically. He leaned in for a brief kiss, but Connor pulled away.

"Evan," Connor began. "I have something to tell you."

Evan's face fell and Connor leaned forward to pick up the pieces. Or destroy it further. He didn't know which. "Evan, I met this great guy at the academy—"

"You're breaking up with me?" Evan asked incredulously.

"Well, I—"

"After _all_ we've been through, you're just dumping me for the first guy who comes along?"

Connor struggled to get a word in. "Evan, you know I—"

"When we last saw each other, when I got out of the hospital, you said you _loved_ me!" Evan was also struggling, but to hold back tears.

"Evan, it's not fair to you or James to keep dating you!" Connor finally blurted.

"I guess not," Evan said, a slight choke in his voice.

Connor felt like shit but it was better than cheating on Evan. He thought.


	9. Chapter 9

Zoe opened the door to see Evan. His face was puffy and red like he'd been crying.

"Evan?" Zoe asked, concerned. "Evan, are you okay?"

"Connor broke up with me," Evan sobbed. "He said he'd met a great guy at his new school and he couldn't be with me anymore."

Zoe gasped. She'd always suspected that Connor would break Evan's heart, but she'd sincerely believed—or, well, _hoped_ —that Connor had actually changed.

"Oh, Evan," Zoe said sincerely, "I'm so sorry."

Zoe led him inside and bolted the door. "For Connor," she explained, hoping Evan would laugh. He didn't.

They ended up in the game room. They played pool and foosball until Zoe realized Evan's heart wasn't in it. Zoe flicked through the movies, but most of them were romantics, like _The Notebook_ and even _The Hunger Games_.

Zoe finally settled on _Moana_ , which was about as non-romantic and happy at the same time. Evan just leaned on Zoe's shoulder.

"Evan," Zoe whispered eventually. "You know, I always used to think you had a crush on me for some reason. This sounds really self-absorbed, but—"

"No, I did," Evan interrupted. "But I never thought you'd notice me. I realized I liked Connor and wasn't sure if I was gay or bi or what."

"So you're bi?" Now Zoe was confused.

"Yes, I think so," Evan offered. "I never quite could shake my feelings for you so I can't help but think so."

Zoe nodded understandingly. "I just can't believe Connor would do something like that to you. I mean, he cheated on you for a couple months then dumped you."

"You're a really good friend, Zoe," Evan said. Then he sat up. "Are we friends?"

Zoe laughed. "Sure, Evan."

"Good. J-just because Connor is g-gone and d-dumped me and J-Jared f-fucking hates me…"

Zoe frowned. "Evan. Your stutter is back!"

Evan shrugged. "I-It's a bit sudden, I know, b-but Connor w-was the one who h-helped with it and s-so now I d-don't have as m-much of a r-reason to t-try anymore."

Before she knew what she was saying, Zoe found the words tumbling out. "You have me."

Evan laughed. "No offence, Zoe, but it was different for Connor. I-I guess I k-kept struggling to be good enough for him," he admitted.

Zoe smiled. "That's the good thing with friendship. You never have to be scared you're not enough."

"Friendship," Evan murmured. "Yeah."

…

 _Five and a half months later…_

Connor walked out of Karl Simmons's Military Academy hand in hand with James. James lived about twenty minutes away from Connor, so not ideal, but far from worst case scenario. James's father was out of town so he asked if he could stay at Connor's house for a couple days. Larry and Cynthia agreed.

James and Connor were eighteen now and drove the car for the hour-long ride home.

"Did you apply for any colleges?" James asked.

Connor nodded, picking at his nails. "Not that many, though. Just a couple local ones like Hamilton University and New York University."

"For what?" James laughed.

Connor suddenly looked sheepish. "Dance."

"That's awesome, man!" James whooped. Then his tone became more serious. "I'm studying philosophy. I did early bird application, and I got accepted into Harvard. I'd have to live in Boston for a couple years."

"That's cool," Connor nodded. "I'm not even sure I'm going to college. My parents can afford it, I just don't see the point."

"You should go to college," James pressed. "It'd be good for you. And we'd not be that far from each other. Me in Boston and you in New York. Less than five hours."

Connor shrugged. "I guess. I just don't know what I want to do with my life. Like, my sister knows she wants to be a research doctor and wants to study at Stanford after her senior year. Evan knows he wants to become a national park ranger, so he's studying history at Stanford as well."

"Evan? Your ex?"

"Yeah," Connor sighed. _But I miss him_ , Connor thought.

…

Evan and Zoe finished packing up the car. It was a new car, Zoe avoided Murf now. The car was a Tesla Model X, a gift from Cynthia and Larry. Zoe and Evan had gotten closer and Evan had thought about kissing her several times.

They drove for ten hours and parked at a campground. Evan expertly pitched the four-person tent and before Zoe had located the bathrooms, Evan had finished setting up the tent.

"Zoe," Evan began, "I've been thinking. We're both going to Stanford. I'm shaping my life around you and you're shaping yours around me. You decided to skip senior year so you could go to Stanford earlier. Zoe, I've thought about it, and I think—"

Before he could continue, Zoe stopped him with a kiss. She pulled back and looked at his eyes.

Evan wanted more.

He kissed back, hard, them both leaning against the car. Finally Zoe broke away.

"Evan," Zoe grinned. "If this is going to be a… _relationship_ , I want you to know: I'm not like Connor. I can't give you everything he can, I can't _be_ him, I can't pretend I know about all you're going through, I can't pretend I've gone through it also. But I'm also not going to cheat on you for two months then dump you."

"It's okay," Evan said quietly.

"I can relate to _some_ of the shit you've gone through, but—"

" _What_? Zoe, you've tried to—"

"Not exactly. I—I got so angry at Connor once, my parents always sticking up for him, once I ate a couple of pills. Before I could eat more, I threw up, and told my parents I had the flu. So yeah." Zoe looked at her feet, and for the first time since she was sixteen, Evan looked as well.

They were only a couple months old. Converse. Chuck Taylor All Stars. And of course, the stars on the cuffs of her jeans.

"I'm sorry," Evan murmured. "You know I've tried. When Jared—Jared and I got in a fight, and last summer…"

Zoe pulled away. "I'm going to sleep," she announced. "Care to join me, or are you going to just sleep while driving tomorrow?"

Evan did, standing upright and getting into his sleeping bag. They moved their mats and their sleeping bags outside so they could sleep under the stars, but then it got really cold and they went back inside.

"I love you, Zoe Murphy," Evan whispered.


End file.
